In my fictional life that I imagined as a fourteen-years-old, I drove a cute minivan, had cute clothes and a nice body, had four blonde-haired blue-eyed robots that looked like children, and was constantly making crafts and having deep and profound talks with my kids.
I never really fantasized about changing diapers (cloth diapers, to be exact)
4am feedings (one year after giving birth)
crawling after a naked escape artist (okay, that's cute)
or finding blood splattered on the floor and not knowing where it was coming from (that happened today - the worst - but she is okay!)
I never really pictured much of what my day looks like. I was not prepared for life as a stay-at-home mom, or a mom in general. I had no clue what I was getting myself into.
such a rare moment.so rare, that it happened six months ago.
Nobody can prepare for the reality that is motherhood. It is hard. An incredible sacrifice. I am my child's comforter, companion, play mate, nurse, and guide. twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It never stops. I never clock out. Did I mention, it's hard work?
So in all honesty: I'm exhausted. Sometimes I want to just quit, crawl into bed, and never leave. Other days I consider finding a job, any job, because I wonder if I'd feel more fulfilled. I wonder if I'm doing anything by staying at home. Some days, I am just so bored. I don't know what to do with the seemingly endless hours that stretch before us. In the Winter, I went through a particularly bleak period (dare I say, depression). It was literally hell on earth, and I would not wish it upon a single person.
But most days, I am incredibly grateful. I am thankful for a husband who encourages me, and wants me to be at home with our children. I am thankful for a God that is forgiving and gracious, when I make mistakes and don't realize the incredible gift I have been given. I am especially grateful for my daughter, who truly brings me such joy that I cannot even tell you in words. To watch a little baby grow into a child, and to be there to see nearly every moment. It is a priceless gift.
I dreamed of being a stay-at-home mommy for years. I never knew what to dream about, so I created a fantasy. But in the end, my fantasy could never live up to reality. The reality of birthing a real human being. The reality of feeling the love for a child. It is a great responsibility. A great sacrifice, even. But it is also a blessing, a gift, an opportunity, privilege, and a joy like nothing else.
Motherhood is hard. But I could never imagine my life any other way. I love my daughter with all my heart, and I want her to know the realities of life. That it's okay to struggle with the choices we make. It's okay to wrestle with life's difficult moments. Some of us might even walk through great darkness, a darkness that can consume us. But in the end, there is life and light. There is bliss and joy. There is hope and happiness. In motherhood, I have experienced it all.
And that's the truth.