“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble, he cares for those who
trust in him.”
Nahum 1:7
I have written this blog post in my head countless times, for the past
year. Each time the words were different, and they were always my own. Suddenly
today though, something has washed over me and I know that it's time to write
this post. I pray, that the words are not mine, but the Lord's. I simply don't
have the energy, words, or courage to say what I'm about to say. So
please Lord, take over.
I have battled depression to various degrees for much of my whole life. I
experienced depression firsthand when I was in the 8th grade. My last
experience with depression was less than a year ago, January - March 2013. It
was the most harrowing and life altering experience for me. No longer was I
simply responsible for myself and my own life, but I had a precious child who
also needed my constant care and attention.
I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone, much less a
mother. But I know that depression is real, and it’s here to stay. I know that
many people of all shapes and sizes, and all backgrounds and experiences, walk
this same dark and deep valley. I think some of the hardest people to recognize
this though, are Christians. For some reason, the idea that a bible-believing
Christian can be so gripped by darkness is unbelievable to some. Depression, a
very real and true illness, is swiped under the carpet.
Surely, you can’t suffer from depression if you’re
engaged in reading scripture daily. Surely depression cannot exist for the
person who has been covered by the blood of Christ, whose sin has been atoned
for. Surely, the joy and peace of Christ must surpass all evil, especially the
evil of depression.
Surely.
I can’t tell you how difficult it is to write a post
about depression as a pastor’s wife. Even more, I am ashamed to write it as a
mother. I remember the lies I told myself this past year, that I cannot be
depressed when I’m so blessed. That I can’t possibly be sick, it was all in my
head. I tried to fix it, trust me. My husband tried harder. We went to the
Lord, we beseeched him. We know he has the power to heal, and we begged for his
healing.
I believe the Lord gave me this cross to bear, and I
have no idea how long it will last, or when I will experience another “bout” of
depression, or for how long. I have no idea why I have this illness. None
whatsoever. I do know that the Lord is good, he is Almighty, and he has never
forsaken me. I know that there is reason and purpose for my depression, just as
there was reason and purpose for my fatherlessness, my abuse, and subsequent
promiscuity. There was reason for it all, and I suppose, it is all connected in
some ways too.
I know that depression is a dark and wretched place
to be. I know that feeling of hopelessness and despair. I know that where there
is depression there is satan, but I also know that where there is depression
there is science. I know that medication can work miracles for some, and I am
100% supportive of anyone that uses medication. I know that there is no “surefire”
remedy. Yes, you can take Vitamin D. Yes, you can exercise and get out in the
sunshine. But for some, there is no healing. For some, depression is a lifelong
battle that will never go away.
I do know hope too. I do know what it is like to
feel completely free from the bonds of depression. I know what it’s like to
taste the goodness of healing, to cling to Jesus and rejoice. Somedays too, I
know the feeling to dread. Especially as winter approaches, I know the feeling
of fear and worry…is the darkness coming for me?
In it all though, I continue to stand firm in my
faith. I continue to rejoice in my God and my salvation. When I’m depressed, I’m
still a Christian. I’m still a wife, a mother, and a friend. Nothing stops when
I’m depressed, most especially not my faith.
{some helpful hints if you have a friend battling
depression}
Ø Always
pray for them and with them
Ø Send
them encouragement. A kind phone call, a visit, some homebaked cookies.
Something to show them that they’re of value. Know that they might not want to
leave their house for a visit, but gently ask if they’d be up for a visit in
their own home.
Ø Listen
to them, but don’t try to fix them. Know that they have a real illness. It
might be a good idea though, to gently encourage them to visit a counsellor or
doctor, if they haven’t done so.
Ø Don’t
make them feel bad for taking medication.
Ø Finally,
the most common response I received was denial. It is the most dangerous and
potentially deadly. Do not deny the existence of their illness. If someone
comes to you for help, never sweep their concerns under the carpet or minimize
them. Depression comes in many forms, and the happiest looking person can be
fighting the ugliest battle inside. Love on your friend, don’t make them feel “crazier”
by denying their feelings.